Sunday, June 3, 2012

Tarts and Tiaras 2: Pretty Women

It's pageant time! This really has very little to do with fashion. Honestly, I'm just writing so I can post pictures of my favorite toddler with a tiara, Alana: 

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And only 10 years ago, these girls were drinking their go-go juice, wearing false teeth, and being forced to wear more makeup than a Friday night hooker. From the looks of tonights talent pool, not much has changed. I kid! I kid! Onto the show!

8:02 Oh holy Lord. These girls look as tragic as runway set they found in the Circus Circus dumpster.

8:03 At least the actors in the “front row” are clearly Julliard trained.

8:04 So now they’re all Madonna with dream catcher earrings? What happened to the cheap hats?

8:05 Not even Kesha is amused by this trash.

8:06 Laura Taylor Lordeen? Miss OK has my vote for the name alone. Her bang-fierceness just sends her OTT. Best in Show!

8:07 What’s the age limit on this thing? TX looks seriously haggard.

8:08 They seriously couldn’t find a tailor for these dresses? C’mon Trump.

8:09 The Black Keys are playing with Johnny Depp on the MTV Movie whatevers. This takes precedence over everything in life. Fun fact: Little Sis and I saw the Black Keys open for Beck almost 10 years ago. I love when great bands get the love they deserve. And when their drum kit is glitter-rainbow striped. Shmamazeballs.

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8:12 Another concert fun fact: I grabbed Joe Perry’s arm at an Aerosmith show. 

8:15 Back to the disaster at hand. Hahaha Shana Moakler!

8:15 For the record, I think anyone would rather have a son play in the Super Bowl than to compete in this slapped together mess. At least those guys get paid and have some type of usable skill.

8:17 FYI: Graduating from Auburn with a 3.5 GPA is like graduating from a Detroit public high school with a 1.5.

8:18 Oklahomo is in! That’s my girl!

8:19 RI is a stunner, too. I’m getting some Minka Kelly vibes. Or Leighton Meester? Same diff.

8:21 NV is toooootes a future (current?) stripper. I can see it in her dead eyes. Same goes for 95% of the other contestants.

8:26 I don’t think these “judges” are at all qualified to determine the fate/future of themselves let alone a young girl’s. It’s like NBC called everyone on their payroll and all they could get was a Jonas Brother, a former Bachelorette, and some Apprentice losers.

8:33 How horrid does Love in the Wild look?

8:34 Oooooh loving G’s second dress!

8:36 This is horrible. I don’t know if I’m going to make it through this train wreck.

8:37 Jeanie Mai: You don’t get nice legs from teaching deaf kids how to ride horses. Teaching blind kids does. Duh.

8:40 I thought Cobra Starship was a real band. What’s with the man-pris?

8:43 Miss AK looks like she smells like hair bleach and fake tanner.

8:44 I think I’m the only person watching this disaster of a show. Leave me a comment if you actually tuned in and watched this thing live.

8:52 I’m SHOCKED no one has eaten it yet in their platforms. I miss messes like this: 

8:53 Miss NV could easily charge double for her lap dances if she wins this.

9:00 The introductions!

9:01 Alabama = Dull, OK = Anne Hathaway (aka dull), Ohio = delusional, Georgia = Loveable dork, Texas = I can’t hate on a girl talking about her memaw, Colorado = Got her earrings in Queens, NY, Jersey = J Woww, Maryland = Conceited, Rhode Island = Stalker, Nevada = Stripper

9:05 hahahaha the rejects have to be fake statues! OH they’re pissed!

9:06 I totally would have pulled a Showgirls sabotage.
9:06 Why are they walking so slow? OK’s dress is BEYOND for a pageant gown.

9:08 GA is giving me shades of Toni Braxton.

9:08 TX is giving me shades of her bits and pieces.

9:10 Jersey went all out at Love Culture!

9:10 RI you look like a moron. Stop playing with your dress.

9:11 How nice was Floyd Mayweather to lend her one of his boxing belts while he’s in the pokey!

9:16 G’s dress looks scratchy.

9:17 Fun fact: Miss MD is actually Cynthia from the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

9:18 So Oklahomo is out. I guess I’m all about Miss Georgia now.

9:20 “I admire Angie Jo because she’s a self-righteous fame whore like me.”

9:30 I think the goal should be to become a You Tube sensation. It worked out pretty well for Katie Upton

9:33 Rhode Island: I like you. Maryland: You’re 7 feet tall and you scare me.

9:34 Andy Cohen: I love you for the “go-go juice” plug.

9:35 A) Pretty Woman is 20 years old. B) She was a hooker. There’s no profession more degrading to women. C) In the end, she was “saved” by a rich guy. Ohio, I hate to say it but that was the worst movie to bring up and you’re a moron.

9:44 Is performing here part of Akon’s community service?

9:46 Oh, Ohio. Fun fact: After tonight, she’ll be just like Julia Roberts’s character in Pretty Woman minus the quirky roommate, rich “John,” and happy herp-free ending.

9:53 Nice Marchesa knock-off, soon to be Miss Nobody! I do like her hair color a lot better, now, though.

9:56 Georgia is out so that leaves RI as my girl!

9:56 NV: Back to the Spearmint Rhino for you!

9:57 No surprise here: Ohio’s riding her yellow short bus dress back to Columbus.

9:59 Blah blah blah Miss Rhode Island won. Cue the mascara tears and fumbling to get the crown pinned on and the sash straight. I like this girl, though. She’s giving me Sarah Shahi and I like her.

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10:00 And there you have it! The future Real Housewives of America! Goodnight and God help us all. 

1 comment:

  1. Awesome blog! would you mind following each other via bloglovin? x

    /Malin @


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