Saturday, January 14, 2012

Tarts and Tiaras: The 2012 Miss America Pageant

Sadly, Miss America doesn't have a talent portion in the show. I guess we'll have to wait for Miss USA to hear this girl's 18 year old sister sing "Cutie Patootie." 
But, what Miss America lacks in talent, it makes up for in sequins, fake hair, and well, quite a few other fake things. Since this isn't an award show and these girls dresses are across the board t-acky, trying to decide who the best dressed is would be like challenging a one legged man to an ass kicking contest. It's just not going to end well. Instead, here's a play-by-play (a mini live blog of sorts) to warm up for tomorrow's big show! My ramblings are after the jump! 

It's Miss America Time! 

8:00 - Miss Arkansas said we can call her a hog. Don't mind if I do.

8:00 - Dear GOD please stop doing the Elaine mini kicks. 

8:03 - Were there only 4 outfit choices for 53 girls? 

8:04 - Miss OK is gorgeous. SC looks beat. What's the age limit? 39?

8:05 - Looks like we could all try out to be Miss Maine...

8:07 - The best thing you could think to say about your state is that you're being invaded by Kardashians? Really Miss TX?

8:09 - America's choice - My girl Miss Oklahoma! They even tried to sabotage her chances by dressing her like a dead peacock in mom pants. Didn't work! 

8:12 - hahahaha they're playing Gaga's "Born this Way." Someone in the control booth is trying to make a funny. OHHHHHHH SNAP! I was wrong! There IS talent! The ventriloquist girl last year was my hero. 

8:14 - I can't believe the creator of The Bachelor actually shows his face in public

8:16 - I like the ombre sequin tanks. Very Vegas, but cute. And Miss Colorado is good with the fake enthusiasm. 

8:19 - The South is dominating. The North clearly has better things to do with its time. 

8:20 - WI is gorge. Plus she had a parent in the pokey so this broad is HARD CORE. 

8:26 - Ughhhhhhh Kris Jenner. She's morphing into Bruce. Or maybe that is Bruce? I can't tell these days. 

8:30 - I already ran out of Skittles :( And now they're playing Kesha. Double crap. 

8:31 - Last year's winner is only 18?! She looks older than my mom. 

8:33 - Major suck if you have to sit there and be on camera and sing some stupid song after you got eliminated. If I were them, I would totally pull a Nomi from Showgirls and push a trick down the stairs or threw beads on the stage: 

8:35 - SC lost all that weight, right? She looks good. The swim suits are hella boring, though. 

8:37 - AZ over-glued her bottoms. It looked like she wet herself. Still not as funny as a tumble down the stairs. ps -- Loving the over posing when they hit their mark. Miss J from ANTM must be DYING if he's not watching the football game. 

8:39 - Ladies and gentlemen give it up for America's future weather girls! 

8:45 - Someone had an icky spray tan line. They all have icky gold lame sarongs that are so wrong (yes, I'm making puns. It's come down to that). 

8:49 - These girls look pissed. They would SO rather be backstage guzzling Jack and breaking  the zippers of the semifinalists' dresses. 

8:50 - The Wynn is huge but they make the girls change in an Amway tent in the parking lot? For serious?

8:55 - Evening gown time! Miss Louisiana's gown is too much everything. Leg, boob, glitter. No. 

8:56 - Iowa is pretty but red has been done. Should have been tangerine. 

8:56 - IL Holy sparkles! That dress must weigh 20 lbs. 

8:57 - SC can't walk in her dress or shoes -- Surprisingly plain, but if I just lost half my body weight, I would want to show it off and not have the focus on glitter and beading. 

8:57 - I don't know who you are but your look is inspired by "classic 20's and 40's beauty inspired by Marilyn Monroe"? For serious?

8:58 - WI - Loving the open back dress. It's the perfect way to show skin and not looking like a trash bag. 

8:59 - FL, your gown looks like a tacky bathing suit. You're from Florida so I'll let it slide

8:59 - I'm so over the one sleeve thing. And careful with the picachu camera! 

9:00 - AZ: You chose a dress that totally took away your waist. It wasn't tailored correctly and the mesh-covered cutouts are killing me. And TX, I love that you were inspired by Britney. But come on, your dress looks like half of the others!

9:01 - CA - You have a killer body but "meh" dress. Oklahoma - Why are they all walking funny? And your dress makes me like you a little less. That dress is all kinds of wrong. And AL: HOLY JESUS PETE! I found my missing Christmas tree bow! 

Reason #1 why 2012's pageant sucked: No ventriloquists in red sequin jumpers. 
9:08 - Oh heeeey, stripper! If she doesn't win, she can stay in Vegas. I'm sure a club off the strip would give her the day shift. 

9:10 - This girl's green tutu outfit should have been your evening gown. Holy arm muscles! And she's scared of large objects?? Anyone else catch that?

9:13 - Werkkkkk Oklahoma! This Italian chick can riverdance! But why can't anone design cute step shoes for her? It looks like the leather was falling off. 

9:15 - Let the girl go cry! Leave her alone! Much better dress though, FL. 

9:17 - Piano time. Yawn. And so not fair that she has a backing track playing the strings. And btw -- She looks like Quasimodo when she plays the piano. 

9:21 - Ok, I'm loving NY's performance dress. Song choice? No. Talent? No comment. 

9:23 - Louisiana: I don't think jazz ballet is a real thing. 

9:25 - SC: I call bs on the TV show offers. Take your Sony Discman and leave the stage, Miss South Carolina. This is getting really boring. Sorry to all who are still reading. 

9:30 - omg a song from Cats. And btw how crappy is it that 3 girls have to get all dressed up and ready to do their thing only to be asked to leave the stage before singing a song from Dreamgirls or whatever?

9:33 - Blah blah more off key songs. 

9:34 - Loving Brooke Burke's navy gown. And CA should have done the Natalie Portman Black Swan eyes and pulled feathers out of her shoulders. I know nothing about ballet but I think she nailed it. 

9:42 - Ooooh please be a question about maps in US public schools! 

9:45 - Oh no! NY forgot her pants! 

9:46 - WTF happened to Terri Polo?! She looks BEAT. An armband tattoo? Really? And her bubbie tat looks like she got it in the prison yard. 

9:51 - Poor Miss America 2011. No more car wash ribbon cutting ceremonies and free Amway makeup :( 

9:55 - BOO! My girl Oklahoma didn't win. And really, Wisconsin? You didn't think about waterproof mascara? Oh well. I hope your relative in prison got to watch you win! 
Lesson: Invest in waterproof mascara. You never know when you'll win a crown and a sash.
Ok, well this pageant was lame. No one fell, no one dressed up as Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, and there were no wardrobe malfunctions (unless you count AZ's fug cutout gown and the opening dance number outfits, but those were really wardrobe disasters). 

Thank Tebow this thing is over. Goodnight, my little pageant queens! 
Melissa, The Shop Therapist

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